God’s Timing is Perfect

I can recall the month of December 2019 so vividly. I fell into my first seasonal depression. I had just moved out of state to pursue a career in non-profit management and I felt so alone, out of place and I was out of shape. Physically, my chronic back pain had resurfaced because I neglected my work outs and meditations that had helped so much at the beginning of the year. Mentally, I did not feel adequate enough to perform in my new role learning how to navigate being in middle management, attempting to build relationships with employees that reported to me (I struggled to prove how age and experience should not make a difference but I had to build trust from the ground up) and the chain of supervisors that I had to report to (there was A LOT of management that I was unfamiliar with from my previous job). Emotionally, I was finally disconnecting from a 10+ year relationship and my family and friends all seemed so far away. Financially, living in Richmond in my own was killing me—check to check with no extra to actually enjoy life anymore. Spiritually, which in hindsight was the most important, became repressed in my walk, didn’t pray, didn’t read and definitely was no longer listening to God. I would struggle to get out of bed. Often stroll into work well after 10am and committed to stay until 8 or 9pm to be able to interact with different staff and members I served. I ate TERRIBLE (Cookout was literally one block away from me) and cried most nights to sleep. I lost my faith in myself.

Even in the midst of heartache and confusion, God was preparing me. Crazy enough I ended up crossing paths with a childhood friend that I had went to middle and high school with and lost contact with because she was a little older than me and college life at different schools takes you on different paths if you’re not that close. She had just recently moved to Richmond as well and struggling to figure out how to manage life in a new place with new people all on her own. After several conversations of reconnecting and filling in the gap of time that had passed between us we decided that maybe we could manage life a little better by helping each other out financially and mentally. We could finally have someone to vent to after a long day or nights work and Lord knows having support paying bills was exactly what I needed to survive.

I struggled through that winter feeling like God was silent. Ironically, one of my best friends at the time knowing what I was going through and that I enjoyed reading bought me a book called “Silent Seasons” by Heather Lindsey. I had fell off in my reading so this inspired me to get back into my self-help books and devotionals to redefine who I wanted to become. After finishing the book I heard God say “Just Be”. I had no idea what that meant at the time but I was sure that I needed to let go of the expectations I once had for myself and was determined to find out what just being looked and felt like. By the spring of 2020 I had moved in with my old classmate & things were starting look like I could adjust to life in this new city. I had found my people, places, and things. I was serving in a local church and developing my musical skills. I was learning and leading the department I was working in and found a routine that worked for me. I was growing into my own voice and style of leadership and community engagement. I had started back dating and was working out again to maintain some type of healthy lifestyle.

Then March 2020, the entire world closed attempting to prevent or slow down the mass spread of coronavirus also referred to as Covid-19. Living through a pandemic had been one of the most traumatic, uncomfortable, and completely confusing times of my life (and I’m sure many more lives). I share my condolences to anyone who lost family members and friends within the past couple of years due to COVID. Luckily, with my employment despite having our facilities temporarily closed they continued to support full-time salaried staff and I never missed a bill, rent payment or need for food and shelter during one of the most unpredictable times in American history. Unfortunately, I was in the dark, with no communication until executive updates and did not know what the future held for me, or any of our staff and members.

It did give me a chance to RE-EVALUATE everything!

Honestly I feel guilty even expressing my gratitude but I am thankful for this pandemic occurring in my lifetime. I grew closer to my Father in Heaven and learned how to talk with him on a personal level like never before. He sat me down and shut me up. Teaching me what habits I needed to break and showing me where I needed to place my focus. I took that extra time to plan and prepare for exactly where life has brought me to today. Sometimes you have to dissociate for awhile. Sometimes you have to say NO to some of your favorite people, places and things to get to where God wants to use you. Every step has been meticulously set forth for me. I can finally see the harvest of a long 2.5 year process of sowing. I am better because of it. I’m back home ready to build from the foundation I once left behind. I am fully embracing just being Taylor Me.