The Light is Dim

I have been preparing myself for these winter months to come with its shortened days and colder weather. It is the time of year I struggle the most to stay motivated. I always seem to find myself tired and cathartic searching for reasons to get out of bed and strength to make it day by day. Recently, with all of the snow delays and closings it is starting to throw off my healthy routine I’ve developed over the first few weeks of the year and I can’t help but overanalyze my emotions and the flawed choices that come with them.

I refuse to go back to old habits but I also question my reasons for new habits. Too much change at one time always overwhelms me but at every turning point in my life I somehow go through several different life-altering shifts in beliefs and values at the same time.

At the start of the new year I began to value what I put inside of my body focusing on a plant-based lifestyle and stopped consuming sugar and alcohol. I am unsure of how long I will go through this process but my thoughts currently are to leave dead things along. The transference of pain and suffering in my food by consuming animal products just doesn’t sit right with me. I ain’t knocking my fellow carnivores, break it and bless it my friends. Just make sure you’re giving thanks.

I also shifted my mindset from accepting my body type as a genetic disposition to worthy of strengthening and healing it. I want to have full control of what my physical and mental is capable of. It takes discipline. It takes internal listening. It takes commitment. I’m making progress but it’s slow and steady.

There is also balance of finding activities that bring me joy outside of a gym/sport. It’s reading, writing, and art that allows me to freely express myself. Even a good full set and pedicure relaxes me.

Then, I started a new job that is stretching me but right where I need to be. It comes with great responsibility to create sustainable systemic change. That imposter syndrome is starting to creep up as I learn the demands of the job and the need to step out of my comfort levels to make effective change.

To top it off, spring semester has begun this week and as my books finally arrive and teachers officially solidified, I am struggling to find the enthusiasm & attention needed to get started.

I’m doing all the things. Why am I doing all the things? To become better. Who says I need to be better?

I am the author of my destiny. I create the pressures. I create the light. I pray that when my light is dim and I cannot brighten my own day that I will give myself grace and set clear boundaries. I cannot pour from an empty cup and I shouldn’t have to. Vocalize when you know you are not feeling your best and people are expecting a version of you to show up. Allow yourself to be human. I’ve been going so hard these past 3 weeks that I need a reset to refocus. Shoutout to the people that pour into me when I can’t quite pick my own self up. Although some days it may be dim, they help keep my light from never going out.