Guilty Pleasure or Bad Habit

A part of my life story that I don’t often share is my addiction to sex and drugs. Just writing it down it just sounds filthy and dare I say “Un-Christian”. For my family and friends that know me well, or at least you think you do you probably don’t even know about the struggles I’ve gone through to take back control of my life and my choices to cope with life. It is difficult to share because of shame and guilt but since I’ve confessed and released to the God of my understanding, my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit that lives within me, I am no longer worried about the opinions of others about my not so shining past life experiences. It made me stronger and wiser.

Let’s go a little deeper. God puts guidelines in place to protect us. I certainly believe that he specifically intended us to only have sexual relations with a covenant or marriage. I literally got a little taste before I said I do to my husband and I began paying the price immediately. I craved it. I lied to get it. I cheated to get it. I neglected myself sometimes to get it one more time. It’s never enough. The craving will always come back. Whether you’re with one partner or hundred. Outside of marriage it’s just not safe emotionally, mentally, physically OR spiritually to participate in sexual acts. Sex is beautiful within a committed and protected relationship with clear boundaries and expectations.

Even deeper, in hindsight I would cope with my addiction by indulging in more addictive behaviors like alcohol and marijuana use. Honestly, trying alcohol first began in high school just trying to have fun and enjoy time with friends. It seemed harmless. It followed me through college as liquid courage and became not only a part of celebrations but a part of the sad and angry moments of regret and disappointment. I relied on it to cheer me up and erase temporary negative emotions. After each hangover you wake up with the same problems if you didn’t face them head on the day before.

Then even deeper, I got real bold and began to try marijuana to feel a high I felt like I was “missing”. In search of an escape. In search of relaxation, I would tell myself. I was really running. I was really insecure. I doubted myself and worst I was showing that I doubted God. Oh what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. One of my favorite hymns that just hits different when you understand it for yourself.

My blog posts are not to put all my business on front street but to be transparent about my journey and give hope to someone else. Since the pandemic, I have made intentional efforts to change my thoughts, actions and behavior. I’ve acknowledged there was a problem. I have analyzed my triggers. I have identified coping strategies and tools in my toolkit to help me. I must admit I’m still using some alcohol and delta-8 (a modified form of THC) for medicinal and recreational purposes in moderation and I try to tell people I trust when I do choose to partake for my own safety. Looking ahead to 2022, I want to keep pursuing this road to recovery by recommitting to abstinence until I find my husband. Everybody has their own convictions. These are my mine and they may evolve but for now I’m trying to let go of bad habits I’ve masked as guilty pleasures.